Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Is this possible?

Tonight the realtor comes over to give us his estimate of what we should ask for our house. I spent the majority of this day cleaning and scrubbing this house yet again before he arrives. I feel like that's all I'm ever doing now a days. It's so frustrating! Anyone who has ever moved and who has small children can testify to this I'm sure. I feel like I'm neglecting my children just so that the house can look tidy and spacious. While the house is looking quite nice I can't but help to feel a little bit sad. As I go through each room I can see all of our memories. It starts with us walking through the "not yet our house", before we even bought it. This house holds the memories of our first year of marriage, my first real job, and our life going through medical school, internship, and residency. I remember watching horrific things happen to our nation during this time, Sept. 11, the space shuttle breaking apart over Texas, and the capture of Saddam Hussein - to name a few. Another ongoing memory being built is our life with children. The birth of our boys is something I will treasure in my heart forever. Bringing them both home to this starter home of ours was special. It suited us just fine. And though I know we are outgrowing this space and that we have a fantastic new space waiting for us, I can't help but be sad. This is our home. This is where we have made so many memories that are unique to only us. I see Jonah as an only child, running up and down our hallway. I see him helping Daddy finish the basement. I see Jackson being introduced to Jonah for the first time and Jonah suddenly looking like a very big boy. I see Jackson now doing some of those things that I remember Jonah doing so clearly. Will they even remember this place we have all come to love? Will they remember the blood, sweat, and tears we have all shed while living here? Trying to sell this house is quite bittersweet for me. It's not the biggest house. It's not the most beautiful house ever built. It's not...it's not...but it is our house for now. And for some very strange reason I can't help but want to be anywhere else. I want to cling to the memories we have made and keep them alive and fresh in my heart.
It's kind of funny but Mike and I have said how us looking forward to being in our new home is somewhat like us waiting for the day when we'll be in heaven. While we don't have much space here at our house in Baltimore and we don't always feel safe, we know that there is a day in the near future when those things will be in the past and that the place we are going will be so much better than we could ever hope for. We'll have land! We'll have space to spread out! We'll be in nature and not surrounded by building equipment and Johns Hopkins! It's almost a stretch to compare us moving to being in heaven, but it's as good as I can do for now. So, while I'm sad I'm also trying to keep my eyes focused on what is in store for us. Better things are ahead!

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